Self Portrait Series: Ruins

I feel like in every woman’s life there comes a point where you need to leave the old you behind and step into your true self. In reality this will often depend on many factors- how you’ve been conditioned to think, your tolerance levels, your relationships etc

I’ve also always thought of myself as an independent woman, but this summer an incident occurred which very much showed that I had fully lost the independence I valued so much. I’d actually handed it over and allowed someone else to control it. Social conditioning made me accept this without question, with little to no benefit to who I am as a person- emotionally, financially and physically.

All the things that made me me had been stripped away to the point that I’m no longer the Donna I recognise. I’ve given up my freedom, my finances, my career, my passions- except for photography. I’ve managed to keep that because it fit in to my ‘duties’ without causing disruption.

I’ve entirely squashed who I am silently to appease others which in turn has allowed that abuse of power. Being a people pleaser is clearly an issue of mine.

But the incident this summer made me sit up and realise that I was no longer going to accept the role forced on me by others with no benefit to my life, my passions, my goals and my future. I could finally see everything for what it was. It’s almost like the cloud lifted. Maybe it’s that magical moment of turning 40- the bullshit radar is just no longer tolerated.

I wouldn’t be truthful to myself if I continued to play small. It wouldn’t be fair to my children who would witness this social conditioning and also grow up thinking it’s ok to let others dictate their needs and wants above yours.

So this series of image represents the start of that process for me. The emerging from the ruins of my past life. What I thought was a castle turned out to be a facade with crumbling walls.

Where it goes from here I don’t know, but already I feel stronger. I feel more myself. And I’m returning to who I am. Moving forwards is the only option. Going backwards will only leave me vulnerable in the ruins of someone else’s creation.